dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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