I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
