That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
