Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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