So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
