did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
