someone get that fucking seahorse.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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