You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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