wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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