So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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