i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
