I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
