Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
