i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
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as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
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Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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