Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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