I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
