Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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