If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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