He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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