I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
