Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
