everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
