Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
