I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
