Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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