Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
