Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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