After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
