Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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