I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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