There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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