last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
