It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
