worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".