Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.