These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
