I just gift wrapped bread.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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