I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
