so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
