I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
