Your face is a jimmy john
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
