i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
