is your mom at the bar?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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