god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Fuck appropriateness.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
