The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
