the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
