Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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