News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
