If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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