I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I touched a dick in church today
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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