Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
