life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
