I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
