dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
