Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize