I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
