Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
